HEAL.

i remember being on my podcast right after George Floyd was killed and the four other speakers spoke on how they felt and the actions they thought would and should happen. when it came time for me to give my perspective, like always, i didn’t consider if others would like or dislike my opinion.

“i couldn’t watch the George Floyd video. i’ve seen enough Black people killed. i didn’t need to see the video to understand what’s going on. just hearing the details and knowing how much work i have left to do is enough to make me cry. so that’s what i did… i cried. it didn’t get change his outcome, but it changed mine. it’s like a super power for me.”

three of them laughed, one of them nodded and smirked. not in a harmful way, but nevertheless. at a time when discussing the murders of Black bodies and how we respond to such traumatic events, that was not the reaction i expected but it is what it is.

Victory Lap.

March 31st 2019, one of my role models was killed. i was home on the sunday afternoon when i heard the news of Nipsey Hussle. the person i was with told me he was shot but that’s it. cocky about the outcome, like most people who admire rappers and especially when such rappers in many ways mirror Tupac, i figured he would be okay. Tupac was shot at a studio five times in 1994 and left the hospital on his own will just hours after surgery. hours. when Nipsey was shot, i didn’t even check my phone because i thought he would be good. an hour later, i was informed that he succumbed. i didn’t believe it. i got to my phone and started scrolling. i found out he was at his own store in his own city on the street he grew up on.

videos started to surface and like i said a year later, i didn’t need to see a video of a Black man killed again for proof. that day i cried. two days later, we recorded the first show of our podcast. i told them how i felt and what i did. nobody laughed or smirked. what was the difference? i wondered a year later.

i figured since Nipsey was well known and “not supposed to die. gone too soon,” it was more understanding of my reaction. hell, Staples Center was at capacity for a funeral for the first time since Michael Jackson. i guess everybody felt what i felt. but when George Floyd was killed, it was expected. it’s the nature of amerikkka. it happened and will happen again so crying would just be for dramatics, not for healing purposes. that’s what i concluded at least.

deep breath in…….. and out.

there is a buildup of energy. that energy is feelings, raw emotion. when that energy is met with extreme circumstances, it will behoove the proprietor of the energy to try to release it. the release is what i call crying. (check out my post Song Cry by clicking on that highlighted area. every time you see highlighted words, click it.)

it can be extreme happiness like when a newborn comes or seeing your bride walk down the aisle. but it can also be extreme sadness such as a loved one dying or a romantic break up. it can be a traumatic situation from childhood or environmental. it can be an experience someone else went through that you have mad empathy for. either way, you deserve to feel whatever you feel. i boldened feel because that’s exactly what provokes it. a feeling. feelings changed so often but that’s not a valid reason to tell someone (including yourself) it’s not worthy. release that energy.

pipe bombs often include materials such as nails, glass, and metals. simply throwing a nail at someone won’t do much harm but pipe bombs become deadly when pressure is built up and explodes. ka boom.

the reason why i said crying is a super power for me is because i know myself. i know how petty, angry, resentful, sad and/or anti-social i could be if i hold in all of that built up energy. i wouldn’t be okay with that for myself so to avoid the inevitable, i release it before i become a pipe bomb and involve everyone close to me. you can’t heal what you never reveal. i’m a different person, a more sane and balanced person after releasing that built up energy. my mind is clear and heart is ready to act in the most beneficial way for myself.

we have to know ourselves and get ahead of the curve before we explode and hurt and potentially kill others, relationships and movements.

there comes a point when we must exhale.

healing.

“I was lost in the jungle like Simba after the death of Mufasa
No hog, no meerkat. Hakuna Matata by day
But i spent my night time fighting tears back.”

J A Y E L E C T R O N I C A

healing doesn’t look good. in fact, it’s ugly. it looks nothing like the movies you watch. it’s full of anger, crying, resentment, shame, spite, uncertainty, wanting to give up. for months or even years. healing comes with promises you make when you’re full of emotions knowing you probably won’t fulfill them because they’re not in your right mind. you promise you’ll stop drinking, you drink next week. you promise you’ll treat yourself better, you constantly bring up the past which is self abuse. don’t ruin a good day by thinking about a bad yesterday. healing has it’s valleys and peaks. days you’re happy but in a split second, you’re down. it may be harder before it gets easier. accept that. Hakuna matata by day, but spent night times fighting them tears back.

healing is like walking through a dark living room of a different house and you don’t know where the light switch is. when you find this light switch, you’ll see it’s tons of new and better habits that’ll lead to a more fulfilling and deserving lifestyle, you just can’t see it yet. it’s dark. you bump your head, get frustrated, do things you never thought you’d do just to get to the light. you know it’s a light switch somewhere in the room, and you know you’ll get to it. you just don’t know how and when but you know God gave you the ability to get there. healing makes you want to leave the room and just go back to your old living room. it’s dark there, too. and it’s extremely messy, but you know how to move around that dark mess. you feel comfortable. new spot, you just want to throw in the towel and go back to what you’re used to. but the thing about going through the room is exactly that. you have to go THROUGH it. we always try to avoid the pain understandably. but you have to embrace the hurt until those wounds are healed. if you don’t, every time someone touches those wounds, you’ll get mad AT THEM. getting mad at others for YOUR wounds is signs of a hurt soul. you’ll get to a point when someone touches them, it’ll be scabs. and scabs are ugly. but you’ll be shrugging it out.

hurt people hurt people just like sick people get healthy people sick. it’s a vicious cycle and accountability sounds like an attack when you’re not in the right headspace.

but you’re getting closer to the light switch.

your life being drastically better is right around the corner. you can start to feel it. you’re getting more comfortable in this new setting. this new life is better than what you thought it would be. God has so much more in store for you but you just have to keep at it. there are years of questions. years of healing. years of preparation. and there are years of answers. years of growth. years of abundance. seasons.

awareness is a part of healing. awareness is the first step to freedom. freedom is when you can do whatever whenever, no [mental or emotional] chains holding you back, thus healthy. being aware means no more lying to yourself. it means acknowledging who you are and changing or accepting it. healing from heartache is grueling. but to be a better and stronger person, look in the mirror and make sure you work out the areas needing to be worked on but that requires honesty.

remember i said healing was ugly? it’s ugly because you might realize YOU’RE the toxic one. YOU’RE the dark souled person. YOU’RE the problem. not everyone else. “men ain’t sh*t” “men are trash” is funny but healing tells you you’re the one who played every guy you’re now asking God to bring to you and turned their heart cold for the next woman. you broke their heart then started dating bums.

men… we need to heal so WE won’t bring our poison to the next person. i know society tells you healing and having emotional weaknesses are reserved for women. but you need to drop those deadly beliefs. it’ll benefit you and literally everyone alive if men are healed from trauma and breakups. we have to stop perpetuating stagnant and unhealthy ideologies that serves no one. i’ll be the first to tell you after my parents divorced, i was a mess. for a while. it wasn’t my fault but i was accountable for healing. it took years for me to heal. i can talk about “generational curses” all i want because it’s trendy but i’m accountable for healing myself. i could have brought negative POVs to my relationships and harmed plenty women and blame it on my parents. but naw. i told myself i will love like i invented it. i will love like i’m selling a pitch for it. i will love like my life depended on it. those who divorce hurts most are those who know the responsibility of love. use that ending as fuel to be bigger and stronger and wiser than ever. learn.

a lot of us don’t have spaces to heal. we don’t have the desired time either. life continues when you wake up, open the door, go to work, etc. there must be a proper understanding of what “men ain’t sh*t” means and why a lot of women can’t hold themselves accountable. there is something bigger and underneath those statements. we often blow by them. we jump into relationships and the work force and harm others because of the lack of healing and understanding. healing is a process.

EXAMPLE.

if you ever stepped on something sharp, or hit your toe on something firm and stationary, you might have yelled or cussed. you might have sat down. you might have been silent for a while. you might not have wanted to be around anyone. you might have been embarrassed. you might have took a deep breath then released. you might have cried.

there is a process you go through when you’ve been hurt. you cannot skip over that process. it literally is impossible and i’ll tell you why.

the ultimate goal after being crucially hurt is to be healthy.

the root word in healthy is heal. that’s good, huh? you cannot be healthy until you heal. Kevin Durant got injured in 2019. he rushed the process, came back too early feigning health to be back in the game and endured a potentially career ending injury. instead of a few weeks or months of intentional healing, he was out for a year. he had to heal properly to be healthy.

there’ll be symptoms of well-being, we’ve all had them. you think you’re good then you stand up and get woozy or the weight added to your foot makes you sit back down quickly. you can try to fake the funk but we all need to heal fully to be healthy.

one of the most important parts of that healing process is the release. some yell AHHHHH or blurt out SHIT! when they stub their toe. that’s accepted as normal. other therapeutic ways of release is “getting it off your chest.”

when we go through heartache and mental stresses, why do we avoid the customary yell?

when sick, we often try to mimic what it was we were doing when we were healthy and that’s the wrong way to TRY to achieve what you’re looking for.

when you’re healthy, you might be turnt up and going out every weekend. you might be drinking at home by yourself. might be having sex often. hanging with the homies and go to the lake to people watch. all of these things seem normal but when you’re sick and doing all of these things, you’re likely to spread your illness to those you’re involved with and less likely to be healed yourself. i’ll be the first to tell you that ain’t it chief.

we must figure out exactly what we’re sick with and how we got there so we won’t get there again. when your heart is broken, everybody knows it hurts. don’t hesitate to cry because it can be used as an alert. crying is a flag. doesn’t have to be a red flag necessarily but it does mean something will be addressed. it means something will be mentioned. it can be addressed internally or by others (see babies or those in relationships).

before Nipsey was killed, i understood people died. i was upset. but after i cried, i centered my frustration. why my heart ached so much is because i knew what he stood for. i was reminded that when you stand up, do it your way and cut out the middle man, often the white man, you get chopped down. i was reminded that normally when the quarterback gets injured and can’t play, the team plays horribly. i was reminded that roses grow from Crenshaw, Compton, Flint, Haiti, Grenada, but when you don’t have plans on involving outsiders, insiders will make sure you implode.

we go through ho phases in which we have sex we tons of people, thinking that will heal us. why? because it SEEMS like what people do when they’re healthy. sex. we trying to fill that spot that’s currently voided. understandable. people watching when you’re healthy and in the right mind state is just envy and hate towards happy and good looking people when you’re sick. drinking a lot when you’re healthy is a celebration. drinking a lot when you’re ill might be avoidance. might be filling a void and that void is our soul. we might not like who we are. we might not forgive ourselves for getting hurt the way we did so we try to mask it. we don’t like being alone so that h*nnessey throws a party and the only people invited are those who will help you take attention away from YOU. when we drink and aren’t healed, we’re escaping what needs to be attended to. if we’re in control, that’s a sign of healthy. but when our emotions control our every move and mood, we will think our actions are healthy when they’re really making sure we’re bed ridden longer. take it from me.

TAG. I’M IT!

i might be telling on myself with this post and… wait. i tell on myself every post come to think about it so screw it. i’ll point the finger at myself in hopes we can all use this to learn and heal. the whole point is to be vulnerable and brave enough to get past the past and be better. not to be defensive.

remember when i said take it from me about drinking? there was a moment few years back when i drank and partied with the homies like there was no tomorrow. a lituation. Joe Budden said, “so many secrets i only told to a glass of Patron.”

and it felt good… til it didn’t. anyone who has been mad drunk knows as good as you feel for a few hours, you wake up tow up. then real life welcomes you back. when i was hurt, i refused to cry. like that Mary J song. when i tried to talk, IMMATURE ME ignored MATURE ME. MATURE ME was there but i buried him. i refused to release what was built up. i wasn’t depressed, i never felt hopeless or beneath myself. still had confidence. that was a blessing. but i tried to skip over healing and jump straight back to healthy. as if a part of me wasn’t broken.

i didn’t go backwards. i just didn’t go. it’s like i paused my life to attend to a party just to go back home like “ahhh. guess i gotta hit play now.” be in control.

the release was necessary. i was finally able to talk to myself. i checked myself. i spent time with myself. not just alone on my phone every hour but really time with myself. i held myself responsible. i told my unborn kids and future wife that i will be complete. that i won’t bring my luggage to the flight we’re getting on cus it’ll only weigh down the plane. my word is all i have and i refuse to not be whole. no one else is responsible for me besides me.

You can never possess people. You can only experience them. That’s something Nipsey told Lauren London that i’ve adopted. hard to swallow at times, but enjoy the experiences, that’s all you really had/have. you experience people.

i have always been able to overcome obstacles because my mind is preserved. but i have not protected my heart. my heart is damaged. and it’s the shape it’s in caused by people i’ll die for. okay okay since people don’t want me to use “damaged” i’ll say my heart has endured hardships. is that better FAMILY? i know one thing: God has always protected me even when i was irresponsible and oblivious. my thing is i always pray for others. majority of the time, when i talk to God, i talk about other people and their well being. their future. their sanity. i’m always making sure others’ lawns are watered (foreshadowing). God will always give me exits when i’m driving on the freeway. He’s made good on His words since the inception of our relationship. i haven’t. but i’m actively learning on taking those exits instead of ignoring them and getting off when my gas tank is on E.

protect – to cover or shield from injury, damage or danger. i protect myself way more which comes with many changes that people close to me will feel. people look at me strange and say i changed… like i worked that hard on healing to stay the same (there’s a JAY-Z bar for everything). i raised my price and set it. it’s non-negotiable. let me go back to men. men love to be “the protectors” but limit that to physicality. we assume the role as the protector but aren’t able to protect emotionally and mentally. if you cannot cover or shield from injury, damage or danger, you are not a protector. the danger i’m talking about is emotional and mental danger. don’t shoot shots and engage in relationships when YOU’RE the one causing the danger and damage.

i won’t become ill-spirited during healing processes. i’ll social distance myself when i’m sick to make sure no one i care for catches what has caused me to heal. i’ll handle my business and forgive myself. *words of affirmations are extremely important for getting through life but especially when you’re healing.

abundance is closer than you think. blessings are closer than you think. better days are closer than you think.

CHADWICK.

i’ve cried more in the last 3.5 years than i have ever in my aware life. i’m exhausted. i’m weary. being strong is tiring. it’s never an audible cry, always full watery eyes, then closed eyes, followed by tears. maybe 90 seconds total then i’m back. but over the past 3.5 years, i’ve been extremely happy. like, on a different level on joy. God has done nothing but pour blessings in my lap. i’m learning. i can’t focus on what might not happen anymore but to enjoy and take the lessons on the way. either way, i’m taking something with me.

something i’ve learned is mastering the art of being content. i’ve mastered appreciating life. seeing the conditions of my people globally is heartbreaking. being taken for granted is a slap in the face. but life goes on and when life happens, i know God is there.

i remember one day someone asked me was i depressed because i always respond “i can’t complain” to the often rhetorical question “how are you?” i said no. never. i won’t allow myself to be depressed. i accept what life is. don’t deny it. i forgive myself. my high school quote was a JAY-Z lyric from his debut album. “In order to survive, you gotta learn to live with regrets.”

i regret toooons of thing i have done. tons of things i haven’t done. we all have regrets, that’s why we try so hard to not let them happen again. if we didn’t regret anything, we wouldn’t be trying to better ourselves. i’m just man enough to admit to the word people treat like Candyman in the mirror and refuse to say. let me help you. regret regret regret. it’s okay. in order to survive, you learn to live with them. they don’t make you small. stupid. they make you imperfect is all. everybody is quick to tell people “hey i don’t have it all together. far from it. full of flaws” but be first to say they have NO regrets. these people were born in the seventh month…

admitting i do have regrets, guess what that makes me? perfect to God. sloooowww it down. i’ll put things in context because i know people who read the Bible hate putting the Word into context.

perfect in english means without flaws. i don’t mean that. Matthew was a Hebrew. when he wrote the first book of the New Testament, he wrote it in Hebrew which has since been translated to english. throughout the New Testament, the word perfect is often used to NOT mean without sin. one of the definitions of perfect in Hebrew means mature. in the Old Testament, the book of Leviticus, it was used as meaning full age, grown as opposed to “babe” meaning young and immature. see what context does? that’s why i capitalized mature and immature in the above paragraphs.

i regret driving straight past those exits that God set in my path numerous times. i regret letting my pride take the lead. i regret not taking trips that i had the means and times to go on. i regret thinking healing was something i could rush. i regret taking those shots those many nights. i lacked maturity in certain areas. i know what i regret and worked on them. God will restore my heart whenever i call on Him. but i have to do my part and let God do His. God knocked on my door and said ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF.

presenting an award to Denzel Washington, Chadwick Boseman recalled some memories of the GOAT. he let the audience know that Denzel was responsible for paying his tuition to attend British America Drama Academy in England. he said something that i’ll never forget.

“not just because of me but my whole cast. that generation stands on yur shoulders. the daily battles won, the thousand territories gained. the many sacrifices you made for the culture of film sets during your career. the things you refused to compromise along the way laid the blueprint for us to follow. so now, let he who has watered, be watered. let he who has given be given to.”

when those who have been doing the watering, it will feel like your spring is running dry. the towel you have that was drenched is now damp. that towel has been rung countless times by people you just wanted to make sure wouldn’t die from a drought. a lot of times, people come to you with nothing to give back, they just take. so now, take time for yourself and replenish your cup. it can be exhausting when you’re giving high quality love and appreciation and dedication and then it gets treated like a ’98 Buick. it hurts more when you can reciprocate everything you ask for but the main ones who are doing the asking can’t.

so now, let he who has watered, be watered.

read my letters to my future wife and future kids here.

https://definejulius.com/2018/08/10/letter-to-future-wife/

https://definejulius.com/2018/08/10/letter-to-future-kids/