a p o l o gize.

say sorry. it’s time for you to do it.

This is the thesis.

we need to grow up, take accountability of our actions and apologize. we cannot claim to be grown and refuse to say “i’m sorry” to someone who is worth being in your life. period.

even those who aren’t in your life for a future, you do something foul or something you would HATE to be done to you, say sorry.

kids hate saying sorry and i’ve heard kids apologize more than grown adults. age is no indicator of maturity or adulthood, clearly. actions and responsibilities and accountability are.

but, there are people who simply don’t care. stay away from those people. distance yourself from people who don’t care. some people are so unconcerned and unempathetic that they have absolutely no motivation to say sorry. an apology can be a really effective way to reconnect to that one who was on the other end of your poor social skills or lack of respect. showing remorse is essential to building or repairing a relationship and trust.

late? say sorry then stop being late.

didn’t keep your word? say sorry and make sure you right that wrong. but not expressing any signs of guilt is not the wave, bro. SIS. do better. saying sorry is an attempt to prevent the breakage of trust and bridge that you might happen.

quick back story. i don’t like sorrys. that doesn’t mean they’re not necessary. that doesn’t mean they don’t have an impact. one SHOULD SAY SORRY IF IT IS NEEDED. the person who made me not like sorrys was because it was like pulling teeth to admit anything. that person would have to experience that same thing to them in order to see any wrongdoing in what they did. i don’t like sorry because often times people are too oblivious and when i say something they did that wasn’t right, it’s a whole ordeal and defense team is hired to show me why they were right. now they deflect. and i STILL don’t get a sorry. all i got was an explanation as to why you did a sorry act as if it’s less hurtful because you explained it?? when one finally comes, it wasn’t sincere. it’s a “well since you’re begging, here. take this.” that’s why.

What about this…

if you hit someone, and that person gets a bruise on their arm, don’t apologize for the bruise. “oh i didn’t mean to bruise your arm. didn’t mean to black your eye.” the very act you did was wrong and uncalled for. if they get a bruise or not, you were wrong. don’t apologize for how one reacted to your action. “i’m not gonna say sorry cus that wasn’t my intent. i didn’t mean for you to get hurt. i didn’t mean for you to take it that way” is the same thing as “i did hit you… but i didn’t mean for you to get a bruise.”

some people believe an apology is necessary only when they did something intentionally. they say “you know what? you are right. i shouldn’t have done that. but…”. be aware of these folks. they cannot fathom being sorry for something they did accidentally. they cannot be sorry for something that was done to others that was not their intent.

take responsibility for YOUR ACTIONS intentionally or not. YOU did the thing. YOU. we sometimes don’t think we did anything wrong but wrong is often subjective. but with subjectivity, comes common sense and morality. would you want that done to you?

don’t hurry to say sorry if you were late and that person calls you out on it. BEING LATE WAS THE ACT. don’t wait for a reaction of that wrongdoing. well since they didn’t say anything OUTLOUD, i’m good. no sorry is needed. YES. you still didn’t keep your word for committing to this time. if i’m hot or not, acknowledge it.

also, narcissism. ego. “Me??!! impossible. i cooouuuldnt have done that. IT’S YOU. YOU’RE taking it completely outta context. i’m ME. iiiiiii can’t do that. i’m too advanced to be doing what you accused me of doing.” inability to recognize your missteps and failure to acknowledge and say sorry are traits of a narcissist.

i linked with my boy Henok Saturday and had to apologize for an opinion i had and told him he was right. he was well over that topic. but it was on MY mind to address since i was incorrect. he shouldn’t have to bring it back up to see if i did come to a realization.

i called my dad on a Sunday and he told me something he disagreed with that i did. he wasn’t personally attacking me but was critiquing the thing i did. there’s a difference. but i was hell bent on having MY POV right. he was like “alright, whatever. i’m telling you what it is. if you don’t think so, it’s still that thing. you think so or not. if you don’t think it is, it doesn’t make it not.”

we spoke throughout the week about other things cus we just always talk. Tuesday of the following week, i called him to apologize. he was in fact right. i didn’t feel less of a man for him being right. i felt more of a man for admitting i was wrong. say sorry.

Me and you… Ya Momma and Ya cousin too.

men, lemme talk to you. if you need to say sorry, you need to say sorry. you know who you are. you need to say sorry IF you did something wrong. don’t be too prideful that it blinds you of your mistakes. don’t be that guy. take a minute or two and step back. ask the homies. ask me. ask yourself. reflect. if she did that same thing to you, you’d be hot. be mature. be a man. respect your relationship enough to admit what you did wasn’t called for. admit what you did she should be mad at. and work on yourself and fix it. don’t do it again. she trusted you and you failed. own it. you don’t know what she went through before you and you might’ve just did that one thing that broke her heart years before. listen to her when she tells you her fears. listen to her when she tells you something ain’t cool.

women, you really need to step it up here and say sorry. we talk about the pride men have all the time. i know i have pride. i also know i say sorry. WOMEN YOU NEED TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR WHAT YOU DO. YOU NEED TO OWN UP CUS YOU DON’T DO IT CURRENTLY. grow up. you have a way of flipping the whole situation and making the man flaws the subject of the conversation. it isn’t fair. it is a form of bullying, manipulation and deflection. you just can’t ever take blame for what you did. making the victim the suspect is what you do best. stop it. “well if you woulda just….” and then ending with “…okay i’m sorry then” is NOT a valid apology, women. if a man tells you an apology is needed, one is prrrooooobably needed because a man rarely voices an apology is needed. men normally just charge it to the game so if one does say “yo… i deserve an apology,” you done messed up.

parents, say sorry. you’re not perfect. sometimes the things you THINK doesn’t always verbalize the way you intended. it’s okay, but apologize for that mishap and misunderstanding. you often mean well, that doesn’t mean you got it all together. that doesn’t mean you are always right. just because you have certain experiences doesn’t nullify you from screwing up. you talk to us in an oppressive manner. you’re ageist most of the times. swallow that pill and say sorry.

yourself. you need to say sorry to yourself at times for doing things you shouldn’t have done. sometimes we abuse ourselves or put ourselves in bad predicaments and hit the ground. we try to grow but we tell ourselves we deserve whatever happened to us. we tell ourselves “you’re stupid. you KNOW you shouldn’t have done that. welp.” we owe ourselves apologies as well and we must forgive ourselves (that’s another day). look at yourself today and say sorry. say sorry for being a scrub. say sorry for not believing in yourself. say sorry for not saving money. say sorry for purposely listening to someone smarter than you. say sorry for going down that path again and work on it. say sorry for not loving yourself. work on yourself. you can’t heal what you never reveal.

refusing to apologize stunts the healing process. it can potentially ruin a relationship. you understand, intellectually, what you need to do. but you’re too enslaved emotionally to your pride and self image and position.

but believe me, you can fall quicker than you think you can. i’ll say it again… you can fall quicker than you think you can, bro. sis. next thing you know, you’re by yourself due to pride.

a bulk of people believe personality is concrete, a fixture and not able to be enhanced or room for growth. these people refuse to say sorry because “that’s just who i am” as if “just who i am” is a good thing. but also, people are quick to apologize if that act doesn’t directly reflect their character. if you accidentally bump into me, you might be quick to say sorry. that mistake doesn’t have the potential of representing you in a bad light. bravo. but if you do something that is still accidental yet you believe others might have a different idea of you for that mistake, you’ll go to your grave denying and forfeiting that apology. you think something you did (KNOWING it was wrong) will make you look like a bad girlfriend so you just cannot admit and say sorry, you need to look in the mirror.

AFTER the apology, we often feel better. we often feel like a bolder is lifted. we feel a bit more at ease. but BEFORE, it’s a war going on in our heads. we feel if i admit to this, i’m always guilty. if i own up to this, i’m not the good dude i claim i am. maaaan naw. i ain’t gon ever say sorry for that. i’ll admit five other things before THAT. “man i did this. hell, i did THAT. i did that too, ten times. but i didn’t do what you’re accusing me of now.” people will admit to things that were never brought up, before owning up to something that was brought up in the moment. just because somebody caught them and they refuse to have someone else know their mishaps.

Who you are dictates a sorry.

when you have a solid foundation and core values you stand on, you tend to not fear apologizing. when you base your moves and mentality off principles, an apology is normal. you’re apologizing because of that very principle you stand on. it’s the responsible response you have when you mess up. when you know who you are, saying “sorry” to a loved one is easy.

one has to be mature and really confident to say “sorry.” one has to be stripped of self. selfless. normally (not to be confused with naturally) people feel less “bossy” when they say sorry so they can’t admit anything they did was wrong or just unnecessary.

now, there are some people who were blamed for everything every day at a time in their life. these people do one of two things: apologize for everything, even when they do nothing. or never apologize, even when they did everything. both are dangerous and requires some self reflection. but speaking on the latter, that person makes sure to never again apologize. they feel everyone blamed them and can no longer imagine that whatever they do is wrong. they are “making up” for the blaming someone else did in their past and won’t dare to own up to anything in the present. even when it’s appropriate, these nonapologizers cannot accept responsibility for their actions.

admitting guilt, to some people, causes shame. lowers you. humility/humble. shame can harm and break down this strong alpha “when i talk, i’m right” persona that one has created for themselves. thus apologizing calls for a healthy amount of self awareness and self esteem. insecurity and poor self esteem can cause one to not apologize because ONE apology can destroy ones self worth. you might think people look at you differently or you’re walking on thin ice if you admit and then say sorry. ironically, the adverse effects is occurring. people look at you like that BEFORE and if you do NOT apologize. not after.

when you care more on self image than relationships with others, you might be a bit more hesitant to offer a sincere apology. i’ve seen people who get really mad really quick have poor social skills and lack the ability to cough up an apology.

also, when you’re young (can be age, can be mentally) you often don’t understand the ramifications of being prideful. possessing pride can be a good thing. i have enough pride to say sorry and vow to not to that thing again. i feel obligated to not mimic the same kinda stuff that i had to say sorry for. possessing the other pride or not controlling your existing pride can isolate you from your close friends and family as they feel they aren’t important enough to you for you to say sorry.

A good and bad apology sounds a little like this.

a good apology acknowledges wrongdoing and owns it solely. a bad apology brings up other people and circumstances (especially the victim) which now shows that someone else prompted the very behavior one is apologizing for.

a good apology offers change. it presents an action of good grace that that thing won’t happen again. “i’m sorry for doing xyz. can i come through now actually? i have free time.” “i’m sorry for what i said. how would you like to be addressed?” “that was wrong. i apologize. how about we go tomorrow?” a bad apology is owning up but still involving that person to do something, indicting them with you. “that was wrong. we can both do this better.” or “i’m sorry. that was wrong. we both should stop doing that.”

a bad apology is verbally saying it but showing no signs of correcting that behavior.

apologizing can and should be a deal breaker. it can save a relationship or break it. an apology can build a better environment or be the force that deteriorates it. it can repair damaged feelings or postpone the healing of such. apologizing and fixing that behavior can jumpstart a new day or the victim can wake up and still be upset that they have yet to receive it.

say sorry.

and then forgive. interestingly enough, those who can’t say sorry also can’t forgive. oooooohh we gonna talk about that at another time. hit that link here as we talk about forgiveness. 👇🏾

—>https://definejulius.com/2018/11/14/charge-it-to-the-game/

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PS. writing is therapeutic. i learn so much while writing. i check myself when writing. i call and talk and ask some many questions to others before writing. i get so many personal experiences and so many different point of views. i try to be honest with you all by giving real examples and experiences. i do not have it all together. i do not. i am working on bettering myself daily. when i write, i am helping myself see myself better. trying to help you see yourself better. when we read, often think the writer is authority and they are preaching because they have that subject matter perfected. think again. i’m learning. i need to get better at apologizing and forgiving and saving and credit and loving and not judging. stay patient and enjoy your own journey and love.

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